Just the Way Our Journey Is

So, National Breastfeeding Awareness Week was within the last two weeks, I can't remember specifics right now.  Anyway, I missed being a part of it.  Again.

See, with Michael (who also has an August birthday), I breastfed him until he was 9 months old.  By that time, I was very early on in my pregnancy with Noah and I had no supply left.

Noah, born in January, was allergic to the milk proteins.  I tried changing my diet and eliminating/decreasing the amount of dairy I ate, but it made no difference.  He had to be on formula by 4 months old.

With Avery, my goal was to make it to one year, but I would be happy if I surpassed the nine month mark.

We made it to nearly 11 months.  My supply dropped so much that it was almost nonexistent and nothing I did could bring it up.  In addition to this, I was having medical issues.

The night before I turned 30, my monthly cycle returned.  I hadn't had one since giving birth to Avery.  This was very odd for me, since my cycle immediately returned to normal after the birth of my boys.  Well, I say "normal."  The cycles after Michael were 45-day cycles rather than 28-day cycles.  My OB said this sometimes happens.  The cycles after Noah were back to normal 28-day cycles.  Then, after giving birth to Avery, I had about 9.5 months of nothing.  It was kind of nice, to be honest, but also stressful because I didn't know when it would return.  I halfheartedly joke about not liking my 30s, and the main reason is that my cycle came back.

Well, between April 24th and July 13th (when I went to my OB), I had nine cycles.  We knew this wasn't normal.  I was hoping that a change in my thyroid medication dose would correct the issue, which is why I didn't alert my OB prior to the middle of July.  After realizing that a change in dosage wasn't helping, I knew something needed to be done.  I alerted my mom of the beginning of yet another cycle and this time, it came with clots.  She phoned a friend and got me in to see my OB that day.  He knew something needed to be done to regulate the hormones that were causing these increased cycles.  I was tested for anemia and didn't have it, but it was only a matter of time.  He gave me a prescription to stop the current cycle.  This is all God's timing, because I had actually weaned Avery that very week on Tuesday and my appointment was Friday.  He made sure that I had weaned her and told me that I could not breastfeed her while on this special medication.  I assured him that we were finished nursing. We went over my options and decided that endometrial ablation was the answer.  My OB will absolutely not conduct an endometrial ablation without first tying the tubes through bilateral tubal ligation.  So, I was scheduled for a bilateral tubal ligation, a D&C, and an endometrial ablation for July 31st.  He wrote me a prescription for the medication to stop the current cycle and it included one refill in case I happened to have another cycle before my surgery date (which I did, bringing my total to 10 cycles from April 24th and July 31st).

I'll have a post in the future about that experience, but I wanted to write this post today to express some of my feelings about still not achieving the year mark of breastfeeding.  Although Avery had expressed disinterest in nursing, and was super comfortable with a bottle & even with formula bottles, it still hurt knowing that the special medication completely eliminated any chance of breastfeeding her again.  Although my supply was really low, I still semi had plans to pump whatever I could and save it for her.  But this medication rendered that impossible.  It's a different feeling when a choice is taken away from you, even if it's the choice you would have made yourself.

I knew we were done breastfeeding.  I just wish it was ultimately my decision to stop, rather than having a medication make the final call.  I knew something had to be done about my recurring cycles and the impending threat of anemia and clotting.  And I knew that Aaron and I had three healthy children and had met our goal of having three kids.  But I still wish it was my decision to undergo permanent birth control (for either him or myself).  I didn't want the final call to rest in the hands of a medical condition that required permanent birth control in order to get the surgery to relieve the medical problem.

So, each decision that was made was one that I was going to make anyway (weaning, permanent birth control), but I wanted to be the one to make those decisions.  I didn't want them to be made for me.

As National Breastfeeding Awareness Week rolled around and social media was flooded with stories and inspiration from moms all over who were proudly feeding their babies via breastmilk, I hurt inside.  Figuratively and literally.  My heart ached because I wanted to be one of those moms who hits the year mark and keeps going.  My body physically ached because I woke up with three incisions (when I thought I was only having one since all we ever talked about was one).  My recovery was drastically more painful than I expected and had read about beforehand.  So all this intertwined itself into a sinking feeling that I missed the mark again.  I didn't make it to the one year mark with any of my three babies.  And of course, I absolutely do not judge any mom at all for any of the methods of feeding their babies.  I only judge myself.  This third time (that's the one that's supposed to be the charm, right?) was going to be different.  I had reasons for stopping my breastfeeding in the past (new pregnancy, and allergy).  But this third time was going to be the different one.  And yet another reason got in the way that made decisions for me that my heart wasn't ready to surrender.

But that's the way our journey is sometimes, right?  Sometimes we don't always get to have things the way we'd want.  And nothing ever quite goes according to our plans.

I've just started the Beth Moore Bible study called "The Quest" and it's about prayer and being on a quest with God, towards God.  At this point in my life, this is what I need.  I need to want to be okay with my situation and surroundings and to relinquish the control that I've tried so hard to white-knuckle into existence.  This will be good for me.  I'll keep you posted on how it goes, and I'll write a future post about my recovery experience.

Thanks for reading!


Until Next Time,
Much Love, Reba