No End in Sight

When we were in the hospital, the diabetes educators let us in on a little secret: we didn't have to buy one of those special "bio-hazard" disposable containers for all of the "sharps" Michael will use for his diabetes management. In fact, they said, if we used one of the "bio-hazard" containers, we must make sure to dispose of it by following the directions on the box and mailing it away to a designated location. Otherwise, if sanitation personnel saw one of these containers in our trash can, we could be given a fine. A fine is not something we needed-- not with the expense that accompanies diabetes management anyway.

The educators told us to choose something we already had-- something with opaque sides (clear plastic is thinner and more susceptible to having a needle poke through it), and something that can be closed when not in use. They suggested empty laundry detergent bottles or empty bleach containers. My "mommy-of-a-newly-diagnosed-type-1-child" mind was racing--fumbling through the compartments in my brain trying to think if I had an empty laundry detergent bottle. It's one of those moments where I was certain I had just thrown one out the week prior. I couldn't kick myself for that because we didn't know. We didn't know an event would happen in our lives that would make empty laundry detergent bottles something to hang onto. I buy my laundry detergent in a bulk size, so if I had just opened one, it would not be empty for quite some time. The educator suggested an empty bleach bottle. Bleach?!? Who keeps that around with a toddler and a baby? I had no bleach container. What would I use?

Someone suggested formula containers. Formula! I have a baby that drinks formula! And formula containers are usually empty within a week. They are opaque. They can be closed. This will work! And so it began. We began saving every formula container. Now I keep spares on top of my fridge along with the current one we're disposing sharps into. One is also kept in my car for anytime we are out and about and have to change a lancet drum (the tiny needles to do blood sugar checks) or an insulin pen-needle. One is kept at my mom's house and one is kept at my mother-in-law's house. One is also kept in Michael's daycare classroom. Lots and lots of formula containers that will hold more pen-needles and lancet drums than we want to count.

And I've thought about this multiple times. Each time I'm washing out an empty formula container, each time I'm writing "sharps disposal" on a container, each time I'm wrapping a full container with duct tape and writing "do not recycle" on it. I think about how this is now part of our life. Noah will eventually stop drinking formula and we'll have to start collecting empty laundry detergent bottles or coffee canisters. The container itself isn't what I think about so much as what goes inside it. Pricks and pokes that my little boy has to do every day. I thought about how many empty formula containers we have on top of our fridge just waiting to be filled with lancet drums and pen-needles. It brought tears to my eyes. Because I knew one day there wouldn't be formula containers up there because Noah would grow out of needing formula, but Michael won't grow out of needing blood-sugar checks and insulin injections. Although there's an end in sight for using formula containers, there's no end in sight for the pricks, pokes, and blood. Each of those containers will be filled one day with countless needles. And this broke my heart.

One night as I lay in bed, tears just started falling. My heart was too heavy and it needed to overflow. I told Aaron how broken it made me feel to see all of those containers and to know that they are all going to be used. And after they are used up, then we'll be filling bulk-sized laundry detergent bottles and coffee canisters. Container after container will be filled throughout the years, and the thought of it made me cry. Diabetes isn't going away.

It pains me when I have to tell people that Michael won't grow out this. It pains me when I have to correct people when they say "well, surely he doesn't have to have shots, does he?" And I have to say "Yes. Multiple times a day." There's pain when people ask "So he just has to take some medicine and he'll be all right, right?" And I have to say "He has to take multiple insulin injections. Insulin is a hormone. There's no medicine that he can take and be better." And then they respond with "But he doesn't have to do the sugar checks does he?" And I reply "Yes. He does." They conclude with "That's a lot for a little guy." I nod and go on about my day. I know it's a lot for a little guy. It's a lot for someone of any age. Michael will be master of his diabetes, but it'll still be a lot each day to calculate, check, inject, etc.

There's no end in sight. And that's what makes me overwhelmed.

Until next time,

Much love, Reba

Noah: 10 Months

My dearest Little Noah,

You are 10 months old and just the sweetest baby around!  I love you to pieces!   Your personality is starting to really show itself and I think there's lots of fun to be had in your life!  If fun isn't around, I have a strong feeling that you'll create it for yourself!

You are quite the comedian.  And this is so needed!  Your daddy is hilarious and you take after him!  You're also managing to pick up his dance skills. You'll bob your whole little body to the beat of the tunes of your brother's toy phones and your toy piano. 

I can already tell that you've made it your mission to get people to smile and I think it's great! The other day, I watched you crawl in front of your brother and then head butt yourself into his knees. You'd then sit back, stare up at him and yell "uhhh!" while clenching your fists. Later that same day, you crawled under the dining room table as your brother was eating lunch. You parked yourself right underneath his sock feet so that he could rub your hair! Later still, you crawled up to him as his feet hung off the edge of the couch and you proceeded to bite his sock! You are such a hoot. I hope you will always be such a jokester and search for ways to be funny.

You are a lightning speed crawler these days.  Watch out!  Noah's coming through!  You will look up to see which direction we are headed in, and then you will put your head down (to reduce drag, of course) and go on your merry way!

You are a good eater. You drink 4 to 5 formula bottles a day. You also eat baby food (homemade and store bought) at lunchtime and at dinner time.  You have an afternoon snack of Puffs and this is also your dinnertime appetizer.  :)  You can drink water from a sippy cup, but you mostly like to shake it in the air and make it rain. :)

You have the funniest expressions and we smile and laugh at them every single day.

You and your brother are already friends and are really taking notice of each other these days.  I am loving this!  You will play side by side and you are feverishly working on teaching each other to share.

You take one nap a day at daycare, but on the weekends, you take 3 shorter naps. 

You love to be outside, and some evenings I will park your exersaucer on the screened-porch and I'll blow bubbles for you and your brother.  You love to sit/stand in your exersaucer and watch your brother and your puppy race around the back yard.

You wear 9-month clothes comfortably.  You can wear 12-month onesies, but 12-month pants are a little too long.  Size 6-month pants end up looking like capri-pants and that just won't do in this colder weather. 

You bob (dance) along in your carseat when we play Christian radio on the way to school.  This blesses my heart as I see you in the baby mirror grooving to the beat of God's word. 

You are also very chatty, both at home and in the car.  You're not afraid to show off your two bottom teeth.  Your smile lights up a room and creates memories for days. 


We see this face at least once a day:

We see this face about 1,345,564,453,675,894 times a day.  Sweet, slightly mischievous, and kind.

I took this picture on a lazy Sunday afternoon.  You were so cuddly!

Who can hold their own bottle??? Noah can!

Excuse me!  Where did you learn to pull up to look out the window?

Sweet boy.

Happy Halloween!

A cuter pumpkin the world has never known.

Reading your very first Halloween card! You were so excited to have your own card!

Big Brother giggling with you and feeding you your bottle.

Mommy & Noah picture!

Mommy and her sweet boys!

Sitting under the table getting your hair rubbed by Michael's socks.

On your way out from under the table.  You certainly caused your brother to laugh hard!

Crawling up to your brother to bite his socks.  Such a silly boy.

This is typically the look you give to your brother.  A look of awe and friendship.  How blessed we are that God gave us you!

Oh, Noah, I love you to pieces.


I pray the verse Joshua 1:9 over you and your brother.  I pray you seek the Lord earnestly and always.  I'm excited to see what God has planned for your life.  He chose you specifically for a grand purpose.

I love you, sweet boy. 


Love, Mommy

This Verse I Claim for My Sons

I have heard of other parents finding meaningful Bible verses and praying those verses over their children, and claiming those verses as beacons for the lives of their children.

While I read the word of God, my heart has been open to hopefully finding a verse that "fits" my kids.  This past week, I found it.

And although I could choose a verse for each kid, and maybe I will still do so, I find that this verse is so powerful that I want to claim it for both of my sons.

On October 28th, this was the "Verse of the Day" on my daily verse flip-calendar at my desk:

"Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."  Joshua 1:9 (NIV)


How appropriate for our lives.  God's got us in His hands.  He knew what He predestined for us before any of it came to be.  He knew Michael would have Type One Diabetes.  He knew.  And, Noah may face trials and tribulations in his own life, and we don't know what those things are right now, but God does. 

To a mother, the fact that God loves my sons more than I do is so overwhelmingly peaceful.  I love them to pieces and want nothing but joy in their lives.  But I understand that this is a broken world we live in, and it's a scary place to be.  But God is bigger and He is greater!  Greater is He that is in me than He that is in the world!  And this is why I pray that my sons seek Him earnestly and always and that they ask Him to be Lord of their lives at an early age so that they don't have to walk through this scary world alone.  After a while, the shields held by the father and the mother can no longer protect the child, and that child has to grow up and go out on his or her own.  It's that moment that I fear.  I hate the thought of leaving my children in this world when I pass away.  But this verse reminds me that God has a plan.  Nothing takes Him by surprise.

So while we are still learning the "new normal" for our lives now that Diabetes has made itself a member for life, we choose to trust.  And while we are training these boys up in the way they should go so that they don't depart from it, we choose to trust.  As we mold and shape their lives through the teaching God has given us, and as we find that our own lives are shaped in the process, we choose to trust. 

God is with us, wherever we go.  Wherever we go. 

It's a lot to ask of a mom to not be discouraged when one child is diagnosed with a disease for which there is no cure.  But God wouldn't give Michael this disease if He wasn't going to see us through.

So I'll be as strong and as courageous as I can be.  I'll put on the Armor of God one piece at a time, and I'll forge onward through the mess that is called this world.  And I'll trust.  Because He's going to be with us.  And He's going to be with my sons.  Wherever we go.  Whatever we go through.  He's here. 

Isn't that worth smiling about?  He's here!


Until next time,

Much love, Reba

Living on a Prayer and a Small Budget

Hello there, Daycare World!  My my, how my wallet is thinner!  

One in daycare at a time can be pricey.  Two at once?!?! Whoa, money, come back here!
(And for all of you with more than two in daycare, what are your secrets???)

Due to some life circumstances (hey, they come up all along and we try to go with the flow) the boys are now in daycare.  As we're adjusting to our new schedule, our budget is also adjusting.

Gone are the days of multiple grocery store trips each week full of nonchalantly tossing items in the cart which may or may not get eaten before the expiration date.  Now, we have a strict list that is compiled from looking at a couple different grocery store ads.  We add in the everyday items we need (ie, eggs, chocolate milk (part of Michael's bedtime snack), cracker packs (the second part of Michael's bedtime snack), etc) and we stick to this list!  We make one grocery store trip each week based on which store had the best overall sales (unless a certain sale is too good to pass up, in which case we leave room in the grocery budget for that, then we'll make a trip to that grocery store during the week just for that particular sale item.)

Gone are the random shopping trips to Target & Hobby Lobby where cute, but unnecessary items were gathered.  My house is decorated with a construction paper-chain garland on my mantle-- not cutesy pumpkin & gourd garland from Hobby Lobby, and not with a cute harvest table-runner from Target. 

Gone are the days of saying "Oh sure!" when invited to eat at a restaurant.  Also gone are the days of saying "Oh sure!" when Aaron and I discuss if we should have people over for dinner.  So, please, if you invite us to a restaurant and we decline, or if you are wondering why we haven't had you over for dinner, please know: we still love you!  We just can't afford these "extra" things right now.  We plan our meals very carefully and we budget for those meals.  Adding in a few extra people can tip the scales and we just don't have the funds right now.


And we know it's a season.  We won't be like this forever. 

Each morning when I walk outside, I shake my fist at my vehicle (inwardly, of course.  I don't want the neighbors to think I'm crazy.)  I hate hate double hate car payments.  And, (slap your hand against your forehead if you must), I have two of them.  And I hate it. 

What I hate even more is the feeling I had while preparing my budget.  I was scared to death that I couldn't afford daycare.  What would I do with my kids?  Would my husband or I have to quit a job?  Would we have to sell a car?  What would we do?!?!? 

I used Dave Ramsey's Excel budget form.  I LOVE this form.  I painstakingly poured over bank statements to see each and every bill that we pay, and where we spend our extra money after bills were paid.  What I hated to see was that we could afford daycare.  Daycare for two (in the region of the country where we live) is around $1,000 a month.  And we could afford it.  The reason I thought we couldn't afford it was because we were not being careful with our money.  A thousand dollars was slipping away from us each month and going to who knows where.  (The answer to that is Target, Hobby Lobby, Academy Sports, restaurants, multiple grocery store trips, etc).  If I had completed this budget form months ago, I would have seen what we could have been saving each month.  A thousand dollars?!?!  I could have had one car paid off within a couple months!  Then I could have rapidly been beefing up our savings account to pay off the other car.  Oh. My. Goodness.  I cannot even tell you how many times I slapped my own hand against my forehead when I saw how wasteful we had been.  I cried. 

So, now, we are tight.  In fact, we haven't been this tight since we were new new newly-weds.  We lived in a crumbling apartment  (it had a tiny chandelier in the dining room, so I thought it was cute), and we paid reasonable rent.  Of course, looking back now, we realize it was reasonable because we were living in the 'hood 'hood.  I used to lay all the bills out on the table and look at our bank balance and I would stagger bills to make sure they could all get paid.  Of course, we were on one income.  I didn't have a job (aside from a two week stint at a daycare, but we won't go into that.  I was so very naive).   I remember allotting ourselves $35.00 per week for groceries, and going to the store with my calculator and envelope of money.  I'd put into the cart what I could afford, and sometimes I'd slowly walk around the store and put things back that were not needed that week (like hand soap when I had a couple squirts left in the bottle at home). 

We are basically at that point in our lives again.  Except now we have two boys to feed.  Fortunately, they are little and don't eat too much. 

Unfortunately, Noah is still on formula and good gracious-- that stuff is expensive.  Fortunately, my dad is so incredibly helpful and can go to Sam's Club to get us the formula we need which they don't carry at Costco.  He can get it for us at Sam's in a container that sports 55% more formula than we can get in the regular grocery store-sized containers.  The Sam's Club containers cost only $2.00 more than the smaller container at the regular grocery stores!  This blows my mind and I am SO grateful to my dad for getting formula for us at Sam's.  I'm also trying to remind myself that formula-usage is a season.  Noah will be turning one soon and will be able to drink whole milk, which is MUCH cheaper than formula. 

Unfortunately, both boys are in diapers/Pull-Ups.  Fortunately, Michael's daycare class is busy potty-training.  In fact, most of the kids in his class are potty-trained, and I'm hoping that Michael learns through watching them.  Once he is potty-trained that will save us some money on diapers. 

Unfortunately, Michael and I have real prescriptions that we must fill.  Most of Michael's come in 90-day supplies.  That takes careful planning to budget for all of his medical supplies that are needed for management of Type 1 Diabetes.  Thank goodness for discount cards for testing-strips, and thank goodness for Diabetes Social Workers and nice pharmacists and friendly insurance reps who work together to make sure we can get the best deal possible for his supplies.  The "best deal possible" is still utterly expensive, no doubt.  But every penny saved, helps.

I have decided to make baby food for Noah in an effort to save some money on that front.  So far, it's going well!  I've read and re-read the blog posts on homemade baby food that my sister-in-law wrote.  I've texted her to ask for suggestions and advice as I embark on this journey.  I've read the baby-food "cookbooks" she gave me.  So far, I've made a variety of fruits and veggies for Noah to eat.  I got the confirmation from the daycare that bringing homemade baby food for Noah's lunch is okay.

I feel like I'm doing a pretty good job now about working with what we've been given.  After seeing how selfish we had been with our money, I am so incredibly focused these days on being good stewards of the money we've been allotted.  Every dollar is now accounted for and has a home. 

I wrote this post mainly to get out my feelings on the subject of budgeting.  This is in no way a pity post.  I'm kind of writing this because, oddly, I'm okay with it.

This was my verse of the day on my desk "Verse of the Day" flip calendar:

"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."  Philippians 4:12 (NIV).

And that's life.  And it's okay.


Until Next Time,

Much love, Reba

It's Not Their Fight: A Post on Type 1 Diabetes

I shouldn't expect people to understand.  If you don't have  Type 1 or aren't directly affected by someone with Type 1, how could you understand?

What I cannot stand is when people say "I don't see it as a big deal.  I know plenty of people with Type one who have had it forever and they're doing fine."

Okay.  Great for your friends.  I'm glad they are managing their diabetes.  However, here's a few things to consider:

1. Some people who have Type 2 think they have Type 1 because they don't know the difference between the two types.  So it's possible that your friends with "Type 1" actually have "Type 2," so sure, I can see how they'd be doing great.  With some thorough management of diet, along with exercise, and potentially some medicine, they could be doing super.

2. If your friends have had Type 1 "forever" then they've probably had it since before the invention of the blood glucose meter, ketone strips, insulin pumps, multiple daily injection insulin treatment, continuous glucose monitors, etc.  Therefore, if your friends had to count carbs, inject insulin once a day, and then potentially boil urine to see if ketones were present, then it very well could have seemed like "no big deal" but I doubt it.  I'm sure to that person who has Type 1, and to their parents, diabetes management was and IS a big deal.  My grandparents tell me that I have so much more to do on a day to day basis than they had to do each day when my aunt was a young girl diagnosed with Type 1.  That doesn't mean that their day to day lives weren't hard and filled with confusion while they were taking care of my aunt.  I call on them frequently to ask advice, and even to vent when other people just don't get it.  This is hard!  And by the time Michael has had Type 1 "forever" then I think we'll find it to be easier. But right now, it's new and it's a life changer.

3.  The point that families who deal with Type 1 want to get across is that those who have Type 1 should be treated as "normal" people.  But don't confuse normal with "no big deal."  If you think that a Type 1 person is "just like everyone else" then that family has succeeded in showing you that a disability doesn't define a person.  But never for a second assume that that individual's life or the life of their family is easy or that there's nothing to this diabetes stuff.  This is a full-time job at keeping someone alive.  Don't underestimate that.  You will never see the ins and outs of diabetes management unless you are directly affected by it.  You might occasionally see a blood sugar check, or perhaps an insulin injection.  But you're probably not silently counting carbs, doing mathematical equations and ratios in spiral notebooks to find out how much insulin to give, analyzing amounts of exercise to determine if an extra snack needs to be given, waking up at 2am to do a blood sugar check to make sure that the blood sugar isn't dropping too low or climbing too high, eating within a certain amount of time so that the insulin can meet up with the carbs appropriately, preparing documents and binders and gathering supplies for daycares or schools or work sites, etc.  This is only a part of things that families of those with Type 1 go through DAY TO DAY. 

Don't underestimate this disease.  Don't think that parents of Type 1 kids are overreacting when we count carbs and worry that our child will drop too low during a nap.  When our child wakes up, we praise God.  And yes, most of the time, everything works out fine but that's because we are working to make it so. This isn't a walk in the park.  It's a roller coaster that you can't get off of.

And I know that my son will be okay.  But I also know that it will take diligence and work to make that true.  I'm not afraid of diligence nor hard work.  I have great parents and they taught me those things well.  I'm blessed to have a husband who has just as much of a work ethic.  We work together to make sure our child is doing well.  I know that not everyone has the support system we do, and I'm grateful for what we have.  But understand, this is not an easy disease to control.  Control is such a subjective term.  And I don't like people to assume I'm overreacting when I'm busy keeping my child alive. 

So, the next time you come in contact with a family who is dealing with Type 1, view that particular individual just like everyone else.  Because he or she is like everyone else.    But don't think that they've got no worries internally.  They do-- you just can't see them.  And they probably don't want you to.


Until next time,

Much love, Reba

It's the Little Things...

Last night, I was flying solo as Aaron was working late.  Noah was fussier than normal and I attributed it to teething pains.  He followed me around the house (he's quite the crawler now) as I put away laundry, unloaded the dishwasher, and washed off his green mess of a high-chair (he got to practice feeding himself baby food green beans earlier as I was preparing Michael's meal).  After consoling him due to his fussiness and giving him some medicine, I grabbed a clean sippy cup, filled it half-way with water, and handed it to him.  He grinned from ear to ear!  He was so proud of himself for holding his own cup and actually drinking some water from it! 

Michael ate a good hearty meal and was in a very good and happy mood.  He was being so well-behaved and I let him pick out a movie to watch.  He selected "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown."  My heart did flips!  I LOVE watching Charlie Brown movies around the holidays.  After the movie was over, he asked for "More Chah Bown?"  So, I put in "Charlie Brown's Thanksgiving." 

Sitting down with both of my boys with me on the couch was so needed!  Noah happily drank from his sippy cup, which Michael was super entertained by watching.  Michael happily held his "mommy blankies" and watched the holiday film.  I reveled in the simpleness and my heart was full and happy. 

And it only got better!  Noah did a great job falling asleep.  Michael had a great blood sugar number prior to his bedtime snack, and he was such a big boy while we brushed his teeth together and got his pajamas on. 

At 2:00am, Michael says "Mama?"  at the foot of my bed!  He had exited his room, walked in the dark to mine & Aaron's room, walked around the room to my side of the bed, and grabbed my feet!  I was shocked that we heard none of this!  But, as I picked him up and took him to get a blood sugar check, I told him over and over how proud I was that he came straight to our room to get us.  His blood sugar was good and I changed his diaper and tucked him back in bed.  I said "Night night, sweet boy. I love you." He said "night night" in return, but as I was closing his door, I heard something I have waited to hear forever.  "I luh doe."  He said "I love you" !!!! I was so elated!  I said "Awww!  I love you!"  and stood in the hallway with a happy heart. 

Not long after that, Noah chatted me awake-- which is very typical these past several weeks.  I fed him his bottle and he went back to sleep like a champ. 

As I spent time maneuvering through my house in the dark, holding one child or another, I felt very peaceful and very happy.  It's the little things in life that add the constant dose of joy to the long days.  Little things like sippy cups, holiday movies, cuddling children on the couch, feeding a bottle, and hearing "I luh doe."  These things make the heart happy. 


Until next time,

Much love,  Reba

Well, they *mean* well

It's frustrating to me how little the general public knows about Diabetes and the difference between the two major types. 

The other day, I was abnormally baffled by Michael's blood sugar numbers.  We were trying out a new carb to insulin ratio for lunch.  He was receiving more insulin at lunch in the last two days than he had in a long, long while.  His numbers were actually dropping into the lower range of normal when he was checked after waking from his afternoon nap. I was uncertain that we had chosen the right insulin dose at lunchtime and I was afraid that he would drop too low during nap time.  I got up from my desk to go to the bathroom just to get a change of pace and wash my hands in very hot water hoping to distract myself as I was counting down the minutes before Michael could be checked.  I must have had a look of worry on my face because two co-workers standing outside the door of the bathroom looked at me and one said "Are you all right?"  I looked up and just said "I'm battling diabetes today," and I pushed open the door to the bathroom.  Both said "Awww" and one said "Feel better."  I gave a sympathy smile and turned back to face them.  "It's not me.  It's my two year old son."  They both chorused "Awww" again and I headed into the bathroom. 

Tears stung my eyes.  They just didn't get it.  You don't get better from diabetes.  They just didn't understand this disease.  They didn't have any idea of its relentlessness.  They just didn't know and I found that to be sad.  They meant well, but they had no clue that their words could be so piercing because it signaled that they knew nothing about the disease from which they were hoping I'd "feel better."

And I feel the sting inside when a well-meaning friend is telling me about her decision not to attend a craft event with her young son this past weekend for a number of reasons, but when she said "And it's probably a good thing that we didn't go because there would be a lot of straight pins everywhere."  My heart felt a little pinch and a lump started to grow in my throat.  I nonchalantly said "Oh, he could have just practiced being a diabetic." 

I know she meant well.  And I know she didn't think about how her words might affect me.  And I promise I'm not even the least bit mad.  But I am sad.  Michael doesn't get a choice.  His fingers get pricked every day, multiple times a day.  I still ache for normalcy.  I miss the carefree days when I could worry about Michael picking up a stray straight-pin at a craft event.  Those days are gone.  Now we carry around medical straight pins called lancets with us at all times. 

Most days, diabetes definitely makes its presence known in our day-to-day life.  But, then there are moments like this when diabetes doesn't win, and when my heart is utterly filled with joy:

The other day I saw a Facebook post from a friend stating that she had participated in a local JDRF Walk to Cure Diabetes.  I commented on her post and told her that it meant so much to me that she had walked.  She responded that she was inspired by Michael and by reading about our experiences with this awful disease.  So, if you're reading this today, thank-you.  My heart still wells with joy when I think that someone was inspired to get out and DO SOMETHING about this. That brings me to tears in the best way. 

Until next time,

Much love, Reba