Just some Feelings

Some days, I seriously go between being okay, maybe not even realizing my life is that much different, and all of sudden just wanting to cry because everything feels so heavy.

In some ways, being forced to stay home is a sweet experience.  I am spending SO much time with my kids, and I literally prayed for that.  Is it weird that God answered a prayer through a pandemic?  I don't know.  He answered it, so I must count it as a blessing.

Being home has allowed me and my best friends to reconnect via Zoom-- something we might never have tried if we weren't working from home and utilizing things available to us for our jobs, and discovering that we could also use those technologies outside of work related things.  This week, all 3 of us got on a Zoom call and next week we plan to add two more of our friends and do it again.

Part of me doesn't truly feel like all that much has changed.  Sometimes, my mind gets tricked enough into thinking this is summer.  Aaron would normally be at work in the summer, and he's working now.  My mom would normally work during the summer, and she's working now.  My younger brother would normally work in the summer, and he's working now.  My dad would be off since he drives a bus, so he's off now.  My mother-in-law would meet up with us for play dates since her job is caring for Avery and Avery is home with me, so she's free during the day and we really do get together and let the kids play at her house or we fly kites at church and these things would also happen during the summer.  She checks her pool temperature to see if it's warm enough to swim, and she does that in the summer too, so it's not all that strange.

At other times, I'm incredibly sad at everything that has changed.  I'm sad for my children who don't get to finish out the school year with their teachers and friends.  We had such AWESOME teachers this year and I'm so sad that their school year ended so abruptly.  Noah won't get a kindergarten graduation, and that makes me sad.  Of course I'm going to have one for him here at home, but it won't just quite be the same.  I'm so sad that my first year of teaching and ending the year with my students is gone.  I'm sad for every student who didn't have a safe home to be at for four months.  I'm sad for the seniors who miss out on prom (that I was planning), and graduation ceremonies.  I'm sad for the brides who have to postpone weddings.  I'm sad for those who are pregnant and have to face childbirth and postpartum stays without their loved ones or visitors.  I'm sad for our soccer season at church that was cut short after two games, although we do plan to try to continue our season in May.  I'm sad for those who were told they weren't essential and aren't earning money right now.  I'm sad that I worry about grocery shopping and whether or not there will be food in the stores.  I'm sad that I can't just aimlessly wander around areas to be able to spend some time to myself, which as an introvert, I need.

I miss going to the library.  I miss going to church.  I miss driving into counties without worrying about their virus count.  Sometimes it's all so weird and odd and strange and seems like a dream.  Sometimes my breath catches when I realize it's not a dream at all and that we'll probably see the effects of this for months, maybe years. 

I know that God is still in control.  I know that in reality, none of this matters at the end of time.  I know this is a blip on our radar of life and that years from now we'll think "we lived like that for x number of months/years.  It really wasn't that long."  However, in the day to day drawn-out hours of living in this experience, it feels long and sad. 

These are just my thoughts and a way for me to process what's going on around me.  It wasn't intended to make anyone all the more sad.  Just a coping mechanism.


Until Next Time,
Much Love, Reba